I’m not one to brag (too often) but I take a lot of pride in my handwriting. For starters, my mother had beautiful handwriting. She was a poet and wrote often – in many many journals. Her script danced off the pages. My grandmother is a very stern woman. She knows what she wants and there isn’t not much room to change that. Her script represented that as well. Very clear, spacious and direct.
When I write my capitol A’s, I make sure to round the top when I’m am scribing in everyday text. When I am writing a formal letter or something fancy, I make sure the capitol A has a point. I think this is because my grandmother was the person I looked to in understanding how to live my everyday life. She went to work in the city, came home on the train, maintained a house – had structure. When I think of the person my mother was, there was always an excitement to her. A punch, an assertiveness- She was the center of attention always. So for me, the formation of how I begin my alphabet was created around the two women that raised me. That held me.
Recently I’ve come to learn about epigenetics. In Layman’s terms, Epigenetics is “the study of changes in gene activity which are not caused by changes in the DNA sequence. It is the study of gene expression, the way genes bring about their phenotypic effects.” To really put it into perspective for you: Your grandmother is born with all the eggs she’ll ever have in her life. This is the same for all people born with female reproductive parts. You are born with all the eggs you’ll ever have. So when your grandmother is pregnant with your mother, you – as an egg – is being carried within your grandmother. When a person is pregnant, their body begins to further learn from their environment; subconsciously for the most part. Their body begins to tell this little egg what to prepare for. Climate conditions and nutritional needs are always a factor, but we also need this egg to survive being a human in their family dynamic. We need these genes to prepare for the specific environment in which the carrier parent lives in and socializes within. This foundation sets this egg up with the tools it will need to survive in their specific social environment. The environments we are born into aren’t up to us, sometimes they’re up to our caregivers but most times, it’s up to the course of our family story line. Often times, we are preprogrammed to be ready to experience the amount of stress and anxiety our parents were under when they were carrying us.
They say, we as individuals are the sum total of all of the many moments we’ve experienced. With one flame, you can burn one hundred candles. What if we are the sum total of all of the many moments of our family story lines? Our mothers, fathers, grandmothers, grandfathers, great grandmothers, aunts and uncles even; the list goes on. How do we begin to sort out our current reality from our ancestors reality? When does the cycle become full circle? When do we get to live in the now? Or was that never an option?
Beginning to identify your truth from your learned truth starts with you becoming aware of moments that are the most prominent within you. My learned truth is that structure is helpful to maintain normalcy, but if you want to be impactful, you have to be seen. So my life is a revolving door of grand events with subpar results. It’s like you’re skipping across the painted lines on the road in-between traffic moving in both directions – organized chaos. You’re following some grid, but it’s indeed going to be detrimental.
I was without a doubt created through the efforts of a man. But my essence, my core existence is the result of two strong willed, forceful women. Realizing that DNA, our actual coding system to our individual hard drive, can be reprogrammed was revelatory; for me at least. So although my script has both flare and structure, the words I write within my story are meant to be rewritten.